Today is Beaver Talk With Aunt Becky day over at Toy With Me and I’m doing a companion piece to last week’s Girl Crush. The topic? FRENEMIES. I’d love it if you’d weigh in. It’s also shockingly safe for work, because besides rocking a couple of f-bombs, I don’t even think I talk about humping or my vagina at all.
Also: what the hell is WRONG with me?
It’s called “With Enemies Like This, Who Needs Friends?”
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THEN, I guest posted on my friend Jen’s blog, “Maybe if you Just Relax,” because she is funny as shit and sweet and we have children who are roughly the same age. It’s an old post that I sent her because it’s so full of The Awesome that it needs re-running somewhere else. But, you need to go love on it and her because it’s hilarious.
I never posted the epilogue and I will do it in the comments because I will do anything for you o! Internet, my Internet.
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Tomorrow the winner to my Open Your Whore Mouth contest will be announced and THEN! I have a new contest which will be even easier to enter and it’s going to be ridiculously fun.
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And lastly, a blast from the past:
Aunt Becky: “Dude, I’m STARVING. I can’t wait to finish buying this car so we can eeeaaaattt.” (rubs stomach dramatically for effect)
Daver: “Me too.”
Aunt Becky (jokingly): “Are you saying I’m fat?”
Daver (rolls eyes, voice dripping with sarcasm) “Yes. You’re a damn beached whale.”
Aunt Becky (laughs): “Ass.”
Car salesman eyeball go back and forth and eventually become as wide as dinner plates.
Car Salesman: “So, heh-heh, how long have you been married?”
Aunt Becky begins to count on fingers as The Daver looks on, amused.
Aunt Becky: “Uhhhh….”
The Daver: “I can’t believe you don’t remember our anniversary.” (sniffs loudly for effect) “Four and a half years. We’ve been married for four and a half years.”
Aunt Becky: “No shit?”
Daver: “No shit.”
Aunt Becky: “It seems like a freaking eternity.”
Daver: “You’d better mean that in a good way…”
Aunt Becky: “Uh, heh-heh, of course, dear.”
Car Salesman looks acutely uncomfortable and makes up an excuse to get up and walk away.
Daver: “We scare people.”
Aunt Becky: “Hehe.”
igster101
7 months ago
My wife and I do that too. We both put on serious faces and in unison say 13 lonnng years.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 9th, 2009 at 12:05 am
Bwahahaha! Yes. And people never know if they should laugh or look very serious
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Julie
7 months ago
haha I have no ball and chain yet, but FRENEMIES are such an interesting topic…If I had to have one, it’d be Lindsay Lohan
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 9th, 2009 at 12:04 am
I don’t THINK I have any frenemies any more, but I never can tell. I guess I’m a pretty lousy judge of character, huh.
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Rachel
7 months ago
I think it’s fun to scare people, especially salesmen trying to sell you expensive shit like cars. I’m hoping you at least got a good deal.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 9th, 2009 at 12:04 am
We got a free DVD player AND the installation.
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Marie
7 months ago
You are so awesome. 3 great posts in one. I am not down with the bitchy girl time. I just don’t have the energy.
My husband is really my best friend. I can’t think of anyone else I have as good of a time with. We ALWAYS play good cop/bad cop and the car dealership and we scare people too. I LOVE IT.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 9th, 2009 at 12:03 am
That’s because you’re awesome. Who is the good cop? Dave is our good cop, did you guess? Because you totally should have.
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DG at Diaryofamadbathroom
7 months ago
Any good, money hugry car salesman worth his salt would have been unphased by the bickering bickersons routine and would have kept the Glengarry Glen Ross motto of ABC (always be closing)in his head. You found yourself one wuss of a salesman.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 9th, 2009 at 12:02 am
He really was kind of a wuss, now that you mention it.
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Angie
7 months ago
can I just say that I LOVED the car salesman thing. Jim and I are so like that, in front of just about everyone and most people don’t get that we aren’t seriously out to kill each other. Our poor kids don’t have a chance at normal. Love that someone else does the same thing.
Oh and yeah I should win that contest cause I should. LOL
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
My kids are going to hate us. I should really just throw any money I ever make (like $5) from writing into a therapy fund.
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Heather
7 months ago
We get those looks when I tell Kev to knock up his girlfriend already so we can have a baby.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Bwahahaha! I bet you do. You’re in the South, too, aren’t you? Oh, that’s got to be good.
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Heather Reply:
December 9th, 2009 at 12:05 am
No, I’m in Utah. I think you’re thinking of Shake Shake Heather. I’m pretty sure she’s from the South.
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Ivory
7 months ago
I have started using the term “dude” again after a 15 year hiatus. I’m pretty sure it’s your fault
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Dude. It SO is. I’ve revamped ‘yo’ and it needs to die again. HELP ME MAKE IT GO AWAY.
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Priss
7 months ago
Do you make bets ahead of time on how long it’ll take for the target to split, or is that just me and gorb?
Ehhh…
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Depends. This one was unplanned.
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Estela
7 months ago
My husband LOVES making sales people uncomfortable! He’s good at it, but I don’t have the poker face for it
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
I’m amazingly good at it. Dave’s always turning red, but I’ll just keep going. Too fun!
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stacey@Havoc&Mayhem
7 months ago
Hopefully you frightened him enough to give you a good deal so you would go away. Mayhem terrorized the guy who sold us the mini van. I think he gave us the deal we wanted so we would not go on any more test drives with him.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT ALEX. DAMMIT!
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Shandal
7 months ago
LOL! That poor car salesman!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Bwahahaha! Right? I wish I had a picture of his face. Seriously.
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carissajade
7 months ago
I love that you’re in the middle of a big purchase and just want to eat… i do that too… I’ll probably want to rush my wedding so I can eat.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
We had a break in our wedding, right? Went back to our hotel for bacon cheeseburgers. Oh yes, yes we did.
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BigSis
7 months ago
I think it’s awesome to make salesmen uncomfortable. That’s what they do ALL THE TIME.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
I like the way you think.
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Jaime M.
7 months ago
You sound like my husband and me. We constantly pick on each other like that. To most people it probably sounds like we hate each other, lol.
Oh, and I posted a LONG reply to your Frenemies post. I have a doozy of a story there and most of it isn’t even told because it would take at least two pages to tell all of the crap this girl pulled.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
I edited out a HUGE part of the frenemies post because I had to. It was really, really hard to write. Gah.
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excavator
7 months ago
When I used to do home care I was treating a woman and her husband was present. They were obviously a tasing kind of couple. At one point the husband said, “I loved my first wife better.” I was a little shocked by this, and probably kind of like that car salesman. Then they both laughed and revealed that SHE was his first wife.
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excavator Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
When I used to do home care I was treating a woman and her husband was present. They were obviously a tasing kind of couple. At one point the husband said, “I loved my first wife better.” I was a little shocked by this, and probably kind of like that car salesman. Then they both laughed and revealed that SHE was his first wife.
Oops! TEASING kind of couple. NOT TASING!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Bwahahahaha! My kind of people. I hope we can be like that when we get older.
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mepsipax
7 months ago
We are so alike. I believe I scare people too. I try to say the most outrageous things at work. I work in a crazy place. I have not hit the limit and I have dropped the cunt punt phrase.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
I am pretty sure I am your female equivalent. I’ve toned it down, but trust me. I am your female counterpart.
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gaylin
7 months ago
Just wait, in a few years you can have those kind of conversations in public AND embarrass the crap out of your children at the same time.
Because isn’t that the reason you have kids, to embarrass them in public.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Oh, they are getting PAID BACK for every single dirty butt I wiped, TRUST ME.
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swirl girl
7 months ago
Hubby walks out of office after having a colonoscopy this morning…Swirl Girl standing there with ‘It’s A Boy’ balloons from hospital gift shop.
we get you, Aunt Becky.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Just wait until Daver has his vasectomy party. Penis favors EVERYWHERE.
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Bobbi
7 months ago
Went to lunch with a male co-worker and we both sat on the same side of a 4 person table because we were going to actually do some work and needed to both be able to look at the same piece of paper. None of our various work stuff was out yet as we had just managed to sit down and Perky the waitress bounced over and said, “You two are so cute sitting together like that!” I looked her right in the eye and said, “We have to both face the door so we can watch for his wife. Last time I was facing away from the door and she managed to hit me in the head with a rock before he could tell me to duck.” The look on her face was the best!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Bwahahahaha! I was ROLLING on the floor with this one. Seriously.
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WebSavyMom
7 months ago
–>I got my first ever brand new car earlier this year. We had been on the lot for almost a hour with the dealer before I realized my husband was in shorts on a cold day in mid-February. Not too bad til I realized he was wearing his SLIPPERS.
We’re those people too.
~deb
http://www.WebSavyMom.com
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
And there is NOTHING wrong with being those people, I’ve decided. It’s more fun.
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moonspun
7 months ago
That’s awesome that you scare people! I love it…
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Dave and I are excellent at scaring people. I am also excellent at acting very stupid or very bitchy. Probably because I am both.
I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT, DIDN’T I?
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Krissa
7 months ago
This was all a ploy to get him to give you a better deal, right? I say, scare the bastards into submission!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Oh, I punched him in the nards. I always do.
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Kristine
7 months ago
Glad you could scare a car salesman – they need it.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
You know what? You’re totally right.
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Kristin
7 months ago
OMG, I swear my hubby and I have had exchanges exactly like that! I knew I loved you for a reason.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Great minds think alike!
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JennyMac
7 months ago
Cant wait to see who won my new favorite contest!!!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
ME EITHER. My fat ass is staying UP to choose a winner.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
RANDOMLY, I should say.
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Cybercris2
7 months ago
on a cruise my husband told the emcee we had been married for 65 Million years!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Bwahahahahaha!
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Delisha
7 months ago
I thought me and my husband were the only ones lol. This doesn’t make me feel so bad now.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Bwahahaha! No, we annoy everyone. Really. Maybe we should hang out with you.
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Melanie
7 months ago
You guys are so funny.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
And annoying!
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blueviolet
7 months ago
That conversation at the car dealership was hysterical!!!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
The look on the dealer’s face, I wish I’d had a camera. He was SO uncomfortable. You could tell he didn’t know if I was going to throw down and beat the SHIT out of Dave or not, which made me wonder how many times people had done that before, you know?
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mumma boo
7 months ago
That is one of my all-time fave stories about you and the Daver. You two are perfect for each other.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
We are totally perfect for each other.
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Mad Woman
7 months ago
I want to come live in your house just so I can watch you and The Daver interact.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
It’s probably pretty awesome or pretty annoying. I call it “The Becky and Dave Show.”
Just try and leave before I start singing.
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Notesfromthegrove
7 months ago
I freakin’ love you guys.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
And we love you back.
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Em
7 months ago
Aunt Becky! You are a riot. Please…pretty please, can you be a guest blogger on my blog? My poor little blog needs life, snark and a subject matter thats friggin funny. No rules, no boundries, no cencorship. I need a some fun on my blog. Interested?
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
I may just have to do that! You were so sweet, how could I say no?
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Andrea
7 months ago
well…at least you didn’t tell The Daver to “shut his whore mouth!” That might have may the situation a little more awkward. But if the car guy can’t take a joke…well F him!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
December 10th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Dude. I SO SHOULD HAVE. MENTAL NOTE.
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