This Ain’t Your Momma’s Pioneer Woman (Redux)
Okay, I have officially died and gone to Blog Heaven. Why? I am on SLATE.COM today. No, I am. REALLY. It’s ME.
Since is it Thanksgiving week and you should really be cooking me stuff, I am dusting off the ONLY food post I’ve done, if you don’t want to visit my other, racier *ahem* faking orgasms *ahem* over at Toy With Me.
But, The Internet, I’m thinking next week may bring you Aunt Becky As The Pioneer Woman, Part B. Because this was probably my favorite post to write.
*claps hands*
This is a dish best served for your relatives that you totally hate and want to never come back. Because, obviously.
———————
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, go here for a visit, then come back. It’ll make more sense that way.
Hm…It’s lunch time. What shall I cook?
Wow, those cookbooks are shiny and new looking! That must be painfully obvious that I do not cook. Unless one calls “shamelessly ordering take-out” cooking. Which, probably not.
WHY WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHIIILLLDREN?!?
*wrings hands dramatically for several minutes*
Man, being sanctimonious makes me hungry.
Wait, now THAT looks like a book I would like! Retro lady, the word “secret” in the title, and I’m pretty sure no foodies would masturbate onto it.
Phew! I can make lunch after all.
Let’s see…
Hm…
Well.
Now.
Not really quite what I had in mind. I left my bitter pants upstairs, and while I like cookies, I’m pretty sure this won’t be too tasty.
Well, hel-lo lover…
Hooray! Even *I* can use the microwave! And look at the whimsical packaging! I can’t go wrong here.
Okay, dude, Pad Thai box, I sort of hate taking direction. Remember the whole “nursing school” fiasco?
Yeah, me too.
But lookit all the cute individually wrapped packages! How wee!
I can artfully arrange them JUST LIKE BEN! He’d be so proud of my technique! I should show him. Oh…right.
*sighs*
Man, Day 1 of school and I already miss him.
Posing the water next to my orchid is very artsy. Maybe I could be…a photo blogger.
(shut UP)
And that’s ABOUT a cup. Close enough for me.
5! More! Flavors!
I might actually eat lunch properly again! O! Thank you, box of prepackaged Thai food!
Add the bag of noodles.
Wait. Um. That sauce looks semi-unappetizing.
But wait! Look! Whimsical packaging!!!
What was I saying again? I totally forgot.
Look at me all using the microwave like a big kid. Daver is going to be SO PROUD of me.
*hums Jeopardy song loudly*
Aww, yeah! END. I know what THAT means!
Uh. Well.
YUM?
Maybe this is what will make my lunch more delicious: one more microwaved minute.
Aww YEAH.
And just like that, I have noodles glued together with an unidentifiable sauce! I should TOTALLY WRITE A COOKBOOK. That’s EXACTLY what I should do! WRITE COOKBOOKS!
Uh, MOM? Hi. Are you a total idiot?
129 Responses to “This Ain’t Your Momma’s Pioneer Woman (Redux)”
Leave a Reply
you know what is sad? I can make breads, cakes, pies, pizzas from scratch but ask me to slap together a box recipe and inevitably I explode something, burn it, or some other kind of shenanigans ensues
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Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 9:41 am
show off.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I ruined jello. No, I did. I swear to Baby Jesus, I did.
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mmmmmmm MYSTERY SAUCE FTW!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Dude. I couldn’t eat it. It was so awesomely not appetizing.
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I admire your mad microwaving skillz.
BTW, I will read your other post, just not while I’m at work, supposedly working, and not in fact fooling around on twitter, and reading blogs…
oh damn, I should go work.
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Tara Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
This is me too!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
You are obviously also full of The Awesome too.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Stupid work always messing with blog mojo.
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I just threw up in my mouth a little.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Whatever, you were just wishing you had my microwaving skill set.
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I love that the mini vodka and glenlivet bottles haven’t even been opened. COME ON, Becky – you should have splashed those into your Pad Thai!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I have had that Glenlivet bottle, I shit you not, since 2007.
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I hate the Pioneer Woman. And by hate, I mean I love her and I envy her with a passion that scalds my soul and I want to be her.
Not like in some creepy make-a-coat-out-of-her-skin kind of way, though, I swear.
Rock on with your microwave noodles, Aunt Becky. Rock on.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
You’d better want to make out with me.
Also, I never ate those. They’re grody. *shudders*
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Oh yeah girl, I like your style! I think the separate packages are still a little too fancy for me….
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Dude. I KNOW. I got very confused. Which is why I was glad that they were handily labeled for me!
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I eat these in secret sometimes, knowing full well that I’ll feel bloated from the starch and nauseous from the 57 lbs of sugar crammed into that tiny box.
My teeth hurt just thinking about it.
Why do I keep eating them? Shut up!
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That post is even funnier the second time. Way to microwave!
I commented “someone think of the children!” in my own FB post about my proposed Kate Gosselin “peace for the kids” drinking game last night. No one got it. I was so lonely.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I am totally coming over to get that post, because I GET IT. We are of one mind.
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Wonderful cook indeed. Some of the best meals are made in the microwave. Great microwaving skills by the way.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I swear, Dave was proud of me for a whole 10 seconds for pulling him out of that very important meeting to tell him that I properly microwaved something!
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I love you. So very, very much.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I am pretty sure The Pioneer Woman is going to set my blog on fire.
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Your manicure is fabulous. Ree would be proud.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
The thumb manicure is pretty fabulous, isn’t it?
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I, too, will never be The Pioneer Woman. Ree is one of a kind. Okay, so are you, and so am I, but you kwim! Right? Right? Sigh. Never mind.
You are amazing with a microwave.
And ya know, in all seriousness, you may not be an amazing cook like The Pioneer Woman, but by the same token, she’ll never be a writer like you are. I’m utterly serious. Yes, she’s a good writer, but you’re better. (No, I’m not blowing sunshine & roses up your butt. I’m not a sheeple. I just call it as I see it.)
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Aw, why thank you. I have no desire to be Ree, and I’m pretty sure she’s fire-bombing me right now. That’s okay. I have mad respect for her.
Also? DID I TELL YOU? I subscribed! FINALLY! Woo!
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Hella Micro Skillz there Auntie B!
(I will take my chances calling Papa Johns instead tho…) :p
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Unless I am baking, it’s wise not to eat my cooking.
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Wow, eerily reminiscent of my Art School days. Sans child, of course. And my nail polish was a different color.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Unless you are tripping or on crystal meth, don’t eat my cooking.
Black nail polish?
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Hm, I really just hate Pioneer woman. No jealousy, I really don’t want to be like her because, as you might say, *obviously*. Nope, just pure gag.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
She is certainly one of a kind.
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I will never be the pioneer woman. I try – but I am just not that good.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I don’t even try to be like her.
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i do have to say, your bottles of vodka are just too small. those are what i call “pocket shots.”
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
The good flavors have all been drunk and those are what’s left. I’m a bourbon/froufy vodka girl, myself.
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Just so you know . . . I went and read some of the sex toy review stuff and was inspired enough to dust off my rabbit and see if it could do for me what it seems to do for you. I still think I need a custom toy, but that’s not to say the rabbit isn’t a Fine Bit o’ Engineering.
That said, who do I have to sleep with to get a mention on Slate? You go girl!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I had a sex toy called The Beaver Twister and it nearly broke my vagina. For serious.
And I had NO IDEA that I was going on Slate until Monday when I was all, HOLY BALLS I BETTER CLEAN UP MY SITE. So I sort of did.
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Just so you know . . . I went and read some of the sex toy review stuff and was inspired enough to dust off my rabbit and see if it could do for me what it seems to do for you. I still think I need a custom toy, but that’s not to say the rabbit isn’t a Fine Bit o’ Engineering.
That said, who do I have to sleep with to get a mention on Slate? You go girl!
Oh, and “the God (Mick) Jagger” . . . Were we separated at birth? If you ask my kids, “Who is the greatest rock band ever?” they will reply, in unison and under duress, “The Rolling Stones.”
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so… was it any good?
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I have no idea. I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. *shudders*
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photo blogging and cookbooks? you have all bases covered
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I am pretty sure that someone is going to recognize my mad cooking skills and give me a cooking show ANY DAY NOW.
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my fave self help book says this about happiness:
“happiness is not about what happens to you, but how you choose to respond to what happens. that’s what it’s called happiness and not happenness.”
SOUNDS VAGUELY FAMILIAR TO YOUR INTERVIEW. way to rock, AB.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Holy crap! I’m all zen and stuff! Maybe I should write self help books.
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That orchid looks pretty tasty. I MEAN NO! I DON’T EAT FINICKY EXOTIC FLORA!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Bwahahaha! My orchid would be very unhappy if you ate it.
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Dear Aunt Becky,
Please tell me, is it the new and upcoming fad to only paint your thumbnail???
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I am totally starting the fad of painting only your thumbnail. Because obviously!
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But I love those noodles. Seriously. I eat them nearly EVERY DAY. I like the Shitake Mushroom one the best, but the Pad Thai isn’t half bad.
Send me whatever you don’t eat. Well, the uncooked ones obviously, because – ew.
Hope you and yours have a great Turkey Day Aunt Becky!!!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Happy Thanksgiving, Deb! BLOG MORE. I miss you.
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Love the whimsical packaging!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
The whimsical packaging makes it awesome.
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Like we need another smug cooking blog. I’ll take your noodles any day. Aw Yeah.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Bwahahahaha! Awwww YEAH!
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congrats on the feature!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Thank you so much. I am kind of pinching myself.
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That eensy weensy little bottle of Scotch? I’d like that please. I’ll skip the noodles.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
The noodles went STRAIGHT into the trash. EW.
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We should write one together!! That’s how I cook, but all those ingredients would confuse me. So glad I found you!!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Yay for Stirfry Awesomeness for bringing us together. Thankfully those packages were LABELED for me.
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Thank you. I was going to eat a snack or something but have now totally lost my appetite.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
You can call me any time you want to lose some weight! I’ll try and cook for you and then you’ll lose weight because it’s so gross you’ll feel sick.
AND? I subscribed like a big girl. YAY!
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Dianne aka LaFlacaD Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Yay!
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My son wants to know if those uncooked noodles are crystals…you are an artsy photo blogger!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
I obviously should be a photoblogger too. I’m very, very talented.
HA.
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Well, now I don’t feel nearly as bad as I did when the hostess of an earlier play date looked spectacularly agog when I said that I was cooking T’giving dinner. Hello “Hungry Man” dinners!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Man, you’re all high class! I was thinking Lean Cuisines!
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I completely remember when you made that post. I used to think those looked good on the store shelves…not anymore.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
They SEEM like a good idea until you cook them. Then they do not.
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For the love of God Becky! Step back. It’s a slippery slope from where you are now to (Oh God): Home Schooling.
Take it all back. Just delete the whole post.
And. walk. away. from. the. computer.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Bwahahahaha!
The day I homeschool is the day I officially check myself into the loony bin.
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Nice job on Slate. I’m all sorts of happy now . . .
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I’d be happy if I wasn’t so shocked. Thank you!
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That was hilarious and totally like *I* cook!!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
That is why we’re friends! Obviously.
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OH MY GAWD! DON’T FEED THAT SHIT TO THE CHIIIIIIILD! QUICK! SOMEONE CALL THE EMT’S! CPS! FBI! FTD! STD!… ANY FREAKIN’ ACRONYM!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Bwahahaha! VD! HTTP! MVW!
The kid wouldn’t eat a chicken nugget. Have no fear. The kid is more willful than a rock.
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To paraphrase the great Sophia Petrillo, “If this post was a person I’d get naked and make love to it.” Although, she was originally referring to sauce. One assumes it was not the mystery sauce in the box. The only people making love to that sauce are people who have to pay for sex.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
*hump hump hump*
That was me, humping your leg.
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I used to think I could cook. Then I married one. And since he has corrected me on several occasions, the job is now all his! Yay for me!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Now that makes me VERY jealous of you. Because we shamelessly order takeout.
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I think the kid is totally on to something. Loved the blog. I too did not know how to cook before I growed up.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Shit, I still can’t cook. And I am okay with that.
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Dude, that is NUCKING FUTS! It was a great interview and topic. If I could have commented over there and showed love I would have, but there was no place to do it.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Aw, why thank you, my friend. There’s a place to comment on the link I gave today (the happiness project one) but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Thank you so much.
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The way you cook is the way I live my everything. You are my hero.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I think we’re going to be very, very good friends.
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Does it make me bad that this looks better than Ree’s Pumpkin Flan to me today? I would totally eat that Pad Thai, the pumpkin flan? yech.
(that said, I normally LURVE her cooking blog, and her other blogs) Love me some butter lol.
Maybe a stick of butter would actually make that pad thai better? A stick of butter makes everything better.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Pumpkin flan sounds AWESOME.
And butter, mmmmmmm, butter.
nom nom nom nom nom.
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Now I want Thai food.
That Slate article is amazing. Uh-mazing.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I’m still dreaming, dude. Also, if you want Thai food, DON’T SKIMP AND BUY THE FAKE STUFF. It’s not worth it.
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hahaha that was good! I have one of those packages in my pantry but I’m a little afraid to eat it. Are they good at all? I have food issues, sorry.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
It was totally gross, sorry. I hate to break it to you, but it tasted like my butthole.
If you want Pad Thai, go for Pad Thai.
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Congratulations on making Slate! You have a lot of wisdom for such a snarky b*tch. And I mean that in the nicest way
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Trust me when I tell you that I took that with a huge smile on my face. Thank you.
And you? Come over ANY TIME. We’ll order pizza.
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Oh, and it is my mission to make it to your house for dinner one day. I’ll bring the booze.
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I store my booze in my vegetable crisper, so Aunt Becky, you can write a cookbook for cooks like me! Maybe you are just not reading the right cookbooks — let me recommend Wild Women in the Kitchen, it even has a chapter entitled, “Beer, the Housewife’s Best Friend.”
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Now that sounds like the sort of cookbook I can get behind. I’ve got to sell the cookbooks I stupidly registered for (and got) for my wedding. I need to give up the ghost. I am not a cook.
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Why have your posts stopped showing up in my Google Reader?!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
NO! I think you need to resubscribe to my feed. You are totally not the first person to have that happen to. Stupid feeds.
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Oh man, even more funny the second time. This is so fabulous. I am always amazed at your sheer awesomeness. <3
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
That was a fun post to write. Now I just need to come up with a part 2.
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SLATE? Girl, you totally rock. And I am so fracking happy after reading the article, I’m going to go off now and… smile or something.
Congrats!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Her blog is really cool, isn’t it? She’s great.
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Mmmm I heart microwaved noodles.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
mmmmmmmm nooodles mmmmmmmmm
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Man… Slate, the interview was briliant Beck! You are not bullshitten huh? You are makin your way and pretty soon here will be all(more)famous and writing and money bloggin, what will we do?
I so remember this post from before too, and I did not know these noodles then and I so don’t want to know them now, yuck!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I am as annoying and tenacious as they come, eh? If only I could ALWAYS get onto Slate, I would be a very, very happy girl.
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Dude.
SLATE.
Awesome.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I know.
I KNOW.
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Slate = awesome. Your cooking = reservations.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
There’s a reason I do takeout, dude. A BIG reason.
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It’s amazing what you can do in the kitchen, nice manicure too.
The look on your son’s face- priceless.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Oh Alex is a little turd sometimes, isn’t he? That look was killing me.
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Awesome interview over on Slate! Love the part of people with VICTIM on their forehead. I don’t know one person that has HONESTLY had the perfect life and most could put VICTIM of some sort on their foreheads. The people I admire the most are the ones that erase it off and just live THEIR lives and not the lives that they feel were created for them by their victimmers – is that a word? You know what I mean. And sorry for all the CAPS. This topic just strikes a major chord with me.
Have a great Thanksgiving!!! xo
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Trust me, I have the same feelings about the issue. Please, rock the caps!
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Love the interview at Slate! Congratulations!
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Thanks, my friend!
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Great interview over there! Woo hoo! xoxo
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Thank you so much! Woo! Hoo! I feel like I’m dreaming.
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look here, i got that cookbook, okay! and was happy as a fly on shit when it showed up. hater. i know you want one. you want me to send you a copy from amazon don’t you???
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 26th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Bwahahaha! You know that if I got it, I’d immediately gain 5000 pounds and then I’d have to sue someone, right?
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ACK! I can’t find my comment anymore, there are too many!
I am SO telling everyone that I know Aunt Becky, and they are ALL gonna be jealous mofos, but I doubt anyone is going to believe me.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 26th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I’m taking a field trip to your class then.
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You could totally teach a microwave class.
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Your Aunt Becky Reply:
November 26th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
I would ROCK at a microwave class.
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