The Hamptons Are Pretentious Unless You Invite Me Along.
“This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest, a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and your gonna have fun. We’re gonna have so much fucking fun they’re gonna need plastic surgeons to remove the smiles from our fucking faces. We’ll be whistling zippity-doo-dah out of our ass holes!”
–National Lampoon’s Vacation.
So here it is. The moment you’ve all been patiently waiting for. Or not. The entries for Aunt Becky’s Travels The World And Does Stuff are below, and numbered. Vote for your favorite, tell nay beg your readers, your Twitter people, your family and friends, whomever you can con into voting for you to vote for you so that you can win a gigantic bag of BlogHer swag!
Voting will last for one week, and on September 15, at 11:59 PM, will dramatically cease. If all goes well (read: I can figure out the results without a Gideon’s Bible, a stack of tequila and a bottle of uppers), and it should, the winner, along with several runners-up shall be announced on September 16.
The entries are numbered in (presumably, but one can never be sure) the correct order and a poll is nicely embedded at the bottom. Choose your favorite and vote for their number. Please, don’t vote more than once per person because that would be cheating and no one likes a cheater. Unless the cheater SHARES.
Good night and good luck.
1) First, I tackled Florida, because I was in dire need of some R and R. Too many Sausages, not enough sleep. Sadly, my pasty white butt did NOT tan.
2) Then, because I am a highly skilled nurse, I examined and cared for a wee puppy. I might have gotten a little misty at the cute overload.
3) Then I traveled to Canada, land of hockey and, hm, nice people? where a small girl named Munchkin played a game with me. And Aunt Becky smiled when she realized the small girl could not read. Aunt Becky is not, of course, intended for small children. Or people with heart conditions. Please consult a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.
4) As further evidence of my R-rating, I offer you proof of my debauchery with my girl Beautiful Mess. Aww YEAH!
5) Aunt Becky returned to her PG roots with a couple of dinosaurs and some Storm Troopers. And of course, some cuddly kittahs. DO NOT EAT THE KITTAHS.
6) After nearly being eaten by dinosaurs and ATTACK KITTAHS, Aunt Becky traveled to a land of bobble-headed kids–not unlike her own–and rednecks.
7) Having been a Damn Yankee (a word, I should tell you, that online Scrabble does NOT recognize because it is an assbag), for most of her life, Aunt Becky had never been to The Dirty South to meet Cardboard Brad. Until, of course, NOW.
8 ) And then, Aunt Becky needed to work through the injuries sustained on Amy’s watch, so she went up North and went Skidoo-ing.
Which, of course, we all know is good for healing. Because, obviously.
9) Then off to Canada for some soccer balls, condoms and tampons, Aunt Becky traveled.
10) Knowing that Her Aunt Becky adores Dolly Parton, Aunt Becky was taken to Dollywood. Squee!!
11) Then, it was time for some vodka and ribbons. And it was goood.
12) In a stunning fit of Awesomeness, I took my favorite food group, besides butter, and turned myself into it: Stuff on Sticks.
13) And nothing screams “Aunt Becky” like road- tripping it to Iowa. I turned into The Other White Meat.
Mmmm, porky.
14) After all that fried food, I figured a good fight might help me digest the food. My ass, it was kicked.
15) In a stunning fit of the utmost drunkenness, I was seduced and had a foursome with an old friend. We invited Ben AND Jerry. And maybe some ice cream and romance novels. And fish food.
In Part Number B I wondered: why do waste management centers always smell like poo and farts?
16) Then she learned to play the ukulele (also: need to learn to spell that properly), cuddled a fussy baby, and then was placed in mortal peril. OH NOES!
Aunt Becky was cornholed before hitching a ride on a monkey’s ass, and eventually hoofed it back to safety on a moose’s toe.
It. Was. Rad.
17) After being so violated, Aunt Becky decided that the best course of action was to go back and get re-socialized at preschool.
Start at the beginning, right?
18) It worked, for awhile. Then, she was part of an encased meats sculpture. We all know that “Aunt Becky” is synonymous with “encased meats.” And maybe “Lipator.”
19) Other things that Aunt Becky both loves and requires include toilets and boobie beer steins.
Welcome to Germany! Aww, YEAH! Pass the beer. AND the boobies!
20) Then, in a supreme effort of defiance, screamed “NOBODY PUTS AUNT BECKY IN A CORNER!” But after that, she held a friend’s hand as she went into her PET scan. HELLS YEAH TO REMISSION, BABY!
And I SWEAR your husband and I were just talking!
21) After that, I went to hang with my East Coast bitches, where I flung poo at small children (wouldn’t you?) and drank copious amounts of tequila. I’m starting to think I’m going to have a hell of a time detoxing after this is all over.
22) Where else would a wanna-be microbiologist go but to a lab to grow some bacteria. Oh, and play with some wicked cool weapons. Rock. Music. Fucking scientists are awesome.
23) Down to the land of Florida, my business card traveled to Take Aunt Becky To Work Day RJ Flamingo. Watch as I get rowdy, Xerox my own ass, drink some mighty fine coffee and wish like hell I lived down there.
24) Swallowing my hatred for DMB groupies, I went with Mrs. and Mr. Soup to a Dave Matthews Band concert. While I groaned and complained about it, we had a freaking BLAST. Cool Ranch Doritos and hot groupies are Where It’s At.
25) After a quick bath in bleach to rid myself of the Pachulli from those damn hippies, I drown my sorrows in tequila. LOTS of tequila. Which we all know gets us all fucked up. I’d tell you more, but then I’d have to kill you.
26) Then, I pimped a friend’s Escalade by being in the car with her after we baked *wink, wink* cupcakes. It was hot. She tried to make me go to rehab and I said, no, no, no.
27) I annoy babies. Obviously.
28) We can only hope that I make people–especially awesome babies– poo rainbows. Because that would RULE.
Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.Good luck. And good night. Yo.
44 Responses to “The Hamptons Are Pretentious Unless You Invite Me Along.”
Leave a Reply
WOOOHOOO!!!! Good luck everyone!
*HUGS*
[Reply]
[...] here: The Hamptons Are Pretentious Unless You Invite Me Along. « Barker to DJ AM — ‘Miss U Homie’ Band Round-Up, part V – 9 September 2009 [...]
DOOD, “Beer and Boobies” is pretty much the most rockin’ title ever. w00t!
Right?
[Reply]
YAY! I feel like a squirrel…just trying to get a nut!
Good luck to everyone!
Bwhahahaha! Squirrel getting a nut. Loves it!
[Reply]
And my sister said the “cornhole-ing” thing went too far. Shows what she knows!
Ha!
[Reply]
[...] Ain’t Too Proud To Beg A while back, I entered a contest over at Mommy Wants Vodka. You can find my entry HERE and HERE(it was a two-parter). Dear Readers (that’s you!), [...]
AWESOME… And I gate-crashed the par-tay and have an entry of my own
(don’t need to be on the list, since I never *really* signed up … more like STOLE … but I thought I’d let ya know)
Checking this OUT.
[Reply]
I voted! It was fun to see all the different things people did.
Totally FUN. I only wish I’d REALLY been there. too bad that I’m not that portable.
[Reply]
[...] September 9, 2009 by birdpress It’s voting time over at Mommy Wants Vodka! [...]
I knew ‘I even annoy babies,’ would be the best choice, and so far it’s in the lead.
Maybe life really IS fair!
[Reply]
Who rules? Why, Aunt Becky, of course! Good luck, everyone!
[Reply]
[...] If you love me, you’ll vote. [...]
Gaahhhh!!!! The stress of being in a competition!
just kidding
sorta
Dude. It IS stressful! Seriously.
[Reply]
Fun collection! You really get around!
Just like that Beach Boys song.
[Reply]
Great collection! I’m thrilled to be a part of such a creative group! Good luck!
(I just bought that some of that vodka last night and thought of you.)
[Reply]
They are all so great! This is too fun. Now I have something new to stalk – my ranking!
Okay – for real, I just double checked my URL, I wasn’t sure for a minute where my own blog was located.
Bwahahaha! I hope that it was right!
[Reply]
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Beautiful Mess, Heather Rondeau, Tricia Marie, Ashley and others. Beautiful Mess said: Vote for me (#4) for the contest @mommywantsvodka had on her blog http://www.mommywantsvodka.com/?p=2120 [...]
Awesome possum!!
Good luck everyone!
Aww YEAH!
[Reply]
Dang…I didn’t get mine done…sigh…
I’m going to finish it and send it to you anyway, so there.
Shade and Sweetwaer,
K
Please do!
[Reply]
you’re all a bunch of whores… who i want to make out with.
Dude. DUH.
[Reply]
i totally can NOT believe you didn’t come to Arkansas. You do know we have the Duggars, right?
[Reply]
Can you believe all the cool adventures you have been on? Dude, you really like IOWA!
[Reply]
Good luck everyone!
And may I just say, I have already won because I will soon be taking Aunt Becky to be my lesbian lover wife. And we will shoot girly flavored vodka and have foursomes with Ben and Jerry all the freaking time.
Because we’re kinky like that. Yo.
[Reply]
It begs to be said – You, lady, really get around!
(Iowa totally rocks!)
[Reply]
I’m a tad late with the voting, but I must say… I would have had a hard time picking just one.
[Reply]
*sigh* I didn’t submit mine because I had seen an entry that was damn-near identical to mine, right down to the Intense For Her lube! (Seriously: my free sample and Aunt Becky arrived in the mail on the same day — you were pressed up against one another in the mail box.)
IF The Man-Thing can fix my computer without having to reinstall (read: make me lose all my shit, literally and figuratively *weeps softly*), I’ll send it to you anyhow, just for shits & giggles.
[Reply]
So normally, I’d be all bummed and shit about not being in the lead. However, the entries I get to read, plus participating equals a big “holy shit, stalking Aunt Becky is totally worth it”!
[Reply]
[...] If you didn’t vote yet, please do so HERE (my entry is #16), thank [...]
Great entries everyone!! I am such a douche for not entering.
[Reply]
i’m so stinking loving this! but when i dropped to #2 halfway thru the day, i thought i’d die…i had 2 step back & breathe…& b like, it’s just a contest – u don’t HAVE to win! ~lol~ i’m so competitive, i shoulda known better! ;0)
but i’m just glad i got 2 b a part of it – it was fun working on it all last month & the other entries had me rolling too
i do hope u get that issue with the poll thingy figured out tho…i was bummed when my co-workers were like “what radio button?”…they see exactly what i see after i voted so i’m guess it’s cause we’re all in the same building, on the same network? thx 4 checking on this girl
& thx 4 hosting a super fun contest…u rock so stinking hard!!!
http://skatesfamily.blogspot.com/2009/09/aunt-becky-came-2-visit.html
[Reply]
OMG, I love this contest. I would happily lose to most of these people but, damn, if I lose that means no BlogHer/Aunt Becky swag.
[Reply]
Damn, you know it took me all day to get through all of your travels… but I finally did and I voted. Yay.
[Reply]
[...] sure to cast your vote for your favorite entry in “Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff.” posted under Proof That Aunt Becky Has Feelings, To Love, Honor, and [...]
[...] her business cards. And while mine may not have been the greatest of them all, would you please head on over there and vote? I’m number #22, you hear me??? [...]
I am astounded that anyone besides me would vote for my entry. I am a little scared.
[Reply]
[...] Second, don’t forget to vote for your favorite entry in Aunt Becky Travel’s The World, Making Mischief. [...]
Hey! Southampton is a little less pretentious in September! Come visit! I’ll put you up in my 1,500 sq.ft. mansion!
Color me THERE.
[Reply]
love the story in #2
[Reply]
[...] Be sure to cast your vote for your favorite entry in “Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff.” [...]
[...] — Inna @ 8:00 am If you haven’t already, please don’t forget to go vote at Aunt Becky’s Traveling the world contest. While I would love it if you voted for me (NUMBER TWENTY-TWO) you are more than [...]
dude, i am such a slacker.
i have a bazillion pics of you, here in gypsyland. i still am going to post your adventures because, well…because i CAN. sorry if my slacking disappointed you :{
[Reply]
[...] Be sure to cast your vote for your favorite entry in “Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff.” [...]
[...] and did you vote yet? Voting ends [...]
[...] Also, today is the last day to vote in my contest so be sure to cast your vote for your favorite “Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff.” [...]