Blogging For Dummies.

Posted on June 18th, 2009 by Your Aunt Becky

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  • Most blogs have about a one year shelf life.
  • There is such a thing as over-posting, but I’m unclear as to what that is.
  • Blogging takes a ton of work. Really, it does.
  • The trolls will come and they do not read most of what you say before they chew you out in the comments.
  • It’s really up to you whether or not you allow the trolls to have their say on your blog.
  • No one will read you for a couple months. It’s okay. Soldier on.
  • If you want people to read you, read other blogs.
  • You may be 1000% certain that you are The New Dooce, but you’re not. Now, you might be as talented as fucking Hemmingway, but you’re not going to get the same press that she did. No press = no instant popularity.
  • There’s more politics than you can imagine in blogging.
  • If you want more comments then comment until your fingers bleed.
  • Get a reader and subscribe to the blogs you like. Comment the shit out of those blogs. People will (eventually) come.
  • I’m more likely to comment on your blogs if you’re a loyal commentor on my blog.
  • There will be bloggers who will NEVER visit your blog no matter how many amazing and witty comments you leave. Period. Move on if it hurts your feelings.
  • Begging for comments is distasteful.
  • Support each other as best as you can, in good times and in bad. Every comment helps.
  • Every couple of weeks, some new trend will piss off a number of (especially) mom bloggers and they will become annoyingly polarized.
  • Resist the urge to chime in about Your Take On This Trend. Seriously.
  • Every time the Today show features Dooce, there’s a bazillion start up blogs that believe (hehe) that you can $40,000 a month blogging. Maybe if you’re Dooce that’s true, but for the rest of us? Bwahahahahaha! I don’t mean to sound mean, and if you do manage this, pat yourself on your back for me but don’t get your hopes up.
  • Whenever one of those stupid blog contests gets started, everyone freaks out. It will blow over.
  • If you’re totally blocked for ideas about a post, describing the boring minutiae of your day is probably not titillating to others. Write it if you must, then delete it. Hopefully that will get your juices flowing and you can write about something more interesting. A turd of a post will always look like a turd no matter how you dress it up.
  • Talking shit about anyone–especially behind their backs on your blog that they presumably don’t read–is a bad fucking idea. Password protect those, or better yet, don’t write them at all. Although they may be satisfying, remember, those are the posts that the very same people you talk about may find. It’s a smaller Internet than you think it is and you’re not as anonymous as you think you are.
  • If you don’t want people to respond in a negative manner, then don’t let it all hang out there. Not everyone will agree with you and there are people who will happily tell all of the ways you are wrong. You don’t have to like it, but if you put it out there, you do have to deal with it.
  • There is something about being able to hide behind “anonymous” that makes people say really dick-ish things that they probably wouldn’t say to your face. It can hurt, I know this, and people will get you all wrong and it will suck, but if you don’t want to deal with it, go private or password protected.
  • Your feelings will get hurt. I promise you this.
  • Although most of your followers will wish you well, there will always, ALWAYS be a contingent that hopes that you will fail. And fail badly.
  • Sarcasm doesn’t always translate well through the written word, so be careful when you use it.
  • Music on blogs is universally hated. If you want to put it on there, it’s wise to leave the playlist on mute and allow other people to turn it on should they want.
  • Don’t clog up your sidebar with crap. Especially blinky crap. Because it makes the page take like 40 hours to load and then people will click away because who really wants to sit there, waiting for the page to load?
  • Don’t put shit on the Internet you wouldn’t wear on a tee-shirt.
  • Beware of the donate button. It causes many people to be very, very mad.
  • Begging for money pisses people off.
  • Constant self-promotion can be a real turn-off.
  • Meme’s, although a nice tool to get the writing juices flowing, are usually boring to read. If you like doing ‘em, then fuck it and do ‘em anyway.
  • Edit your posts. Edit them religious.
  • Paragraph breaks are a necessity. I cannot read anything not broken up by paragraphs.
  • The background of your post needs to be something that is appealing to the eyes. Some colors (especially pink, which is a favorite color of mine) although lovely, leave the reader squinty and headachey. Check out what your finished post looks like YOURSELF and see if you can read it without adjusting your monitor.
  • A black background is very, very hard to read.
  • If all your tweets on Twitter are links to stuff that people can buy from you or ways to get a zillion followers overnight, you’ve probably pissed off a good portion of your readers.
  • There is such a thing as over-sharing.
  • Remember that your kids may one day read whatever you’ve written, so choose what you share (especially about them) well.
  • Writer’s Block does end.
  • Don’t lie. And for God’s sake, don’t fake a dead baby. I don’t even have words to describe people who do that sort of thing.
  • Don’t idolize the success of another blogger. Also, don’t hate them for it. In blogging, you often get what you put into it. And the higher you climb, the more pressure there is.
  • Be kind to other people. You gain nothing by being cruel.
  • Blog for yourself, not for other people.
  • Stuff on the Internet–even the stuff you erase–is never, ever, EVER gone. EVER. So make DAMN sure you want to live with whatever you say.
  • Remember, it’s all supposed to be fun. Enjoy what you write, take pride in it, and if someone else comes along and tells you that you suck, tell them that Aunt Becky told them to shove it up their pooper.

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What am I missing here?

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