It’s Daver’s birthday tomorrow, and I’ve been wracking my brains as to what I could say about my darling husband to comemorate the year. He’s older than me, he’s always GOING to be older than me, and you can take that to the bank.
In honor of him turning 29 years YOUNG tomorrow, I am going to list 29 things that I have learned about my husband this year (and only a partial roast):
1. There exists 2 time zones in my house: “Real Time as designated by whoever designates such things” and “Daver Time,” which runs about 1-2 hours behind Real Time.
2. He can sleep through anything, including labor and a screaming baby.
3. While the house may be in complete shambles, The Internet will always function perfectly.
4. He is more apt to quickly celebrate a positive pregnancy test than I will ever be, and never think to exclaim “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
5. Despite what he may say, he hates Chocolate Brown.
6. While strapped for cash, he will drop a significant amount of money on an outfit that makes his pregnant wife “feel better.”
7. Although he’d never admit it, he loves it that I make a hugemongous deal out of holidays.
8. He’s more of a creature of habit than I am, as evidenced by the fact that we have gone to the Hideaway for the past 3 years for his birthday.
9. He’s too sweet to admit that the baby actually said “Daddy” the other day, despite having heard it while I wept into my hands sobbing “Mommy, Alex, SAY MOMMY.”
10. He allowed me to purchase Ben a Playmobil house for his 6th birthday because it was really what Ben wanted, without making a big deal out of it not being particularly manly. He also didn’t rub in the fact that I was overjoyed by said purchase.
11. Even after a hugely long day for him, every time he comes in the door and the children clamor for his attention, he makes sure to not let them see just how exhausted he is.
12. When thwarted by Marriachi music, he went and “camped out” on Ben’s floor because they’d been looking so forward to camping outside.
13. He’s not really a morning person, either.
14. Even after being up most of the night with a newborn baby, he trucked his sorry ass to each and every one of Ben’s soccer games.
15. To save his life, he would STILL be unable to put away his laundry.
16. After listening to me complain about being fat, he doesn’t rub it in if on my next breath, I ask for McDonalds.
17. For many months, he didn’t realize that I was not actually hand washing his special “not dishwasher safe” mug AND ACTUALLY USED IT DIRTY.
18. He fully accepts that I absolutely hate to cook and doesn’t complain about it.
19. Rather than make fun of my addiction to crappy TV, he plops down beside me and watches such shows as “Americal Idol” and “The Girls Next Door.”
20. He allowed me to get myself a pet bunny even though we had a baby coming in about 5 minutes.
21. Although completely justified, he does not often engage in “Why, Becky” conversations with me as much as he could. For example “Why, Becky did you bleach the Kate Spade pillow covers that cost as much as a car?” he just agreed that we needed to buy a couple more.
22. He didn’t rub it in my face that the baby who made me sicker than God looks just like him. Which I totally would have done had the roles been reversed.
23. Despite having the best intentions, he is almost utterly unable to complete a project once started because “oh LOOK, a BLUE car!!!”
24. He was so proud of the 8 week gummy bear ultrasound pictures of Alex that he took them into work to show them off. Even though you couldn’t tell what it was.
25. He never once (okay, ONCE) bitched at me over how sick I was when I was pregnant with Alex, nor did he complain about how me not working affected the finances.
26. Although I can beat him in arm wrestling and rub it in his face for the next 3 (ahem 8) weeks, he never complains when I make him carry the vacuum up and down the stairs for me.
27. He calls me “Shorty The Pimp” instead of “Sweetie.” ‘Nuff said.
28. He admitted last night to having boofed in a sock to me, which is a dangerous, dangerous thing to admit to me.
29. He puts up with me, year round, which should earn him a metal or something.
Happy birthday, Dick For, I love you.