1) Christian Slater never ages. Luckily, through the use of Photoshop, neither do I!*

reasons I want to be christian slater

2) Starring in non-corny 80’s cult classics ensures that people like me cut their proverbial teeth on phrases like, “Talk Hard,” and “Chaos was what killed the dinosaurs, darling.”

3) If I were Christian Slater, it wouldn’t be creepy to have a crush on myself.

4) I could try and board a commercial airline with a gun in my bag and not have it be “potential terrorist,” but “quirky.”

5) I could be a vampire who DOES NOT SPARKLE. VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE.

6) I could’ve been BFF with River Phoenix, my first television boyfriend from ages 6-13.

7) I could claim to have a “baboon heart,” and then die in the arms of my longtime love. Mostly, I just want to claim that I have a baboon heart, although I might call it “bonobo,” because it sounds cooler.

8) I’d much prefer to have “distinctive eyebrows,” than a “distinctively (dimply) ass.”

9) My sneering voice would allow you to impersonate Jack Nicholson over the phone, which increases not just my ability to get on radio shows, but also my credit line, as he’s got platinum EVERYTHING.

10) I could get Nerd Cred with a cameo role in Star Trek VI – which would mean that all nerds would listen to me. Forever (and we all know how much I heart nerds).

*A lie – I don’t own Photoshop. BUT I COULD. MAYBE.

21 thoughts on “10 Reasons I Wish I Were Christian Slater

  1. You forgot: I could stalk a woman; stare into her window at night; send her flowers she doesn’t want & get her to fall in love with me. (Bed of Roses)

  2. To be fair, he has definitnty aged since Legen of Billie Jean lol. But I think he was about 13 then so that doesnt count. It was cool that he acted first with his sister though!

    1. A very common misconception! Christian Slater and Helen Slater have NO relations. In fact, Christian admitted that he had a bit of a crush on Helen during the filming of Billie Jean. 😉

  3. I kept a small framed photo of Christian Slater on my nightstand years ago… Yeah, I’m not married to that husband anymore!

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